Fun NOT

Why is the word "fun" in funeral? Who's bright idea was that?

Jeanette's Dad's funeral was last Wednesday, September 30th. Pop's was March 30th. That's right - exactly 6 months to the day. I didn't realize it until I was getting dressed and putting on the exact same outfit. I was thinking how it's a shame I'll probably end up hating it despite how nice it is and how it had been 6 months since I'd worn it, and then it hit me it had been exactly 6 months. I literally felt my shoulders slump and the tears took on a mind of their own. I was a mess. When I got to Louise's house, I was in way worse shape than her and Jeanette.

That was another tough day. This year's had way too many for my liking. It turned out that Jeanette's Dad's cemetery is right across the street from where my Mom and Pop are buried. I hadn't seen Pop's headstone yet - it was government issued and they take longer and it just recently got finished. I figured well, I'm a mess already, how much worse could it get. So I stopped by there after the graveside service. I can't really explain how it feels to be looking at both of your parents' headstones, but I didn't care for it.

And ever since then I've got that "paralyzed" feeling again. Completely overwhelmed with everything there is to do, yet "frozen" it seems and not tackling any of it. Which makes me feel even more overwhelmed. It all makes sense - my emotions and feelings are raw again. They were healing under a bandaid but it's been ripped off and they're exposed again.

It's everything I can do to get through the day at work. Concentration is forced if there at all, the "life is too short" feeling is back as well as the "none of this really matters anyway". I am absolutely wiped out when I finally get home and don't feel like tackling two households' worth of mail, bills, paperwork, finances, etc. And so it's piling up...

I just want to collapse on the couch and call in PAUSE. Somebody please pass me my cell phone.