Hermit

I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit lately.

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Well, I want to go somewhere other than here...but I don't really know where. It's like I'm restless at the same time I'm holing up in my condo.

I have cut out all extra curricular activities. I don't go to church anymore on Sundays or Wednesday nights. I quit my summer choir when there was only 4 weeks left. And believe me, I wouldn't go to work if I didn't have to. It's not that I'm mad at God or so depressed that I can't get out of bed...it's nothing like that. I'm just TIRED. Deep down, emotionally, mentally, physically TIRED. I just don't want to run around anymore than I have to. I just want to sit still. Stop moving. Stop thinking. Just sit and BE.

Life should have a PAUSE button. Everyone else could keep going but a person could hit PAUSE on their own life and just stop and catch up - catch their breath. How wonderful would that be?

Jeanette has a saying: "Sometimes I like to sit and think and sometimes I just sit".

I've always liked that saying. And right now I just want to sit.

Two Less Joes

I absolutely cannot believe what I'm about to blog. My heart is breaking right now...again.

One of my longest friends (I hate saying "oldest" friends) lost her father today. Are you kidding me? I just lost mine. Really? 6 months, 12 hours, and 1 minute apart?

This is my friend Jeanette's Dad. Jeanette and I met when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in high school. I have known her ever since. We are talking close to 31 years here, folks. THIRTY ONE YEARS.

My Pop was 10 years older than her Dad but her and I are only 3 months apart in age. So we had our Dads in our lives for almost the exact same amount of time. My Pop passed away March 24th at 1:44am, hers September 25th at 1:45pm.

Life. You just never know. Her parents took me out to dinner the day I planned my Pop's funeral. Not Jeanette and me. Just me. Just me and her folks. That's how we were. I've been a part of her family for 31 years. And her Dad was fine that night. And 6 months later, gone. Unreal.

The world is without 2 Joes tonight. Two wonderful men who made this world better. Two men who were honest, hard working, family men who did what was right even when it wasn't easy. They made this world a better place and we are all better off because of it. And I am a much better person for having known them.

The world needs more Joes. Unfortunately, it seems they are a dying breed...

Incomprehensible

Tomorrow will be 6 months.

How can that be? How can it be that I haven't talked to my Pop in SIX MONTHS?

First there was Daddy. Then there was Dad. Then there was my Pop.

Now there's nobody - and I miss him sooooo much.

Firsts

Yesterday was tough. I didn't get to hear "bunch of sandlotters" or "worst I ever seen" after a Bucs loss, for the first time in my life. You see yesterday was the first regular season Tampa Bay Buccaneers game since my Pop passed away. In a "life's ironic that way" turn of events, I ended up at the local sports bar by myself to watch the game. I don't know if that made things easier or harder for me. Maybe it was for the best, as I was teary eyed quite a bit during the game and it had nothing to do with the way the Bucs were playing.

Over the years I would call Pop after the game to discuss it with him and lots of times I would even call him from the sports bar when something big (good or bad) would happen. I'd end up screaming into the phone or walking outside so he could hear me, but oh those calls were funny. If the Bucs were playing poorly, he'd be ranting and raving and if they were playing well, he'd laugh in nearly a child-like delightful way - like he just couldn't believe it. Then again when you've been a fan since the franchise started in 1976, and you suffered through that horrible beginning 0-22 record, even though that was 33 years ago, sometimes you really couldn't believe it if they were playing well. So the giggle of disbelief made sense.

There were no calls yesterday. No rants and raves. No child-like laughter. Just me sitting up at a sports bar by myself staring at my cell phone. Wishing on everything and anything, I had a call to make.

Life's Strange

I'm typing this on his computer right now. It never crossed my mind that I might one day start a blog about him on his own computer. That's a little weird. What's even weirder is that I've got so much to say and nothing to say at all. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to begin. I guess I'll just start typing and let the words pour out of me in no particular order and if it doesn't make any sense to anybody but me, it doesn't really matter.

I'm starting this blog because I lost somebody so dear to me that I'll never be the same again. Death changes things forever. Life goes on and there will be joy again but things are forever changed nonetheless.

I've lost both of them now. It's an eerie feeling when you realize you're an "orphan". I feel uneasy, unsettled, ungrounded. Topsy-turvy, upside-down, all messed up. Unfocused, unorganized, out of sorts. And yet somehow I'm holding it all together. I have to. It's just me. Just me to settle the estate, tend to the matters at hand, get things done. And things are getting done. Even as unorganized as I may feel, I'm still better than 90% of the people out there. Planning, lists, critical paths...that's me.

I've never had more to do in my entire life and never felt less like doing it.

The Day

I knew the day was coming - we all do. But that doesn't make it any easier. And as much as you think you're prepared, you never are - you can't be - I don't think it's humanly possible. They say that time heals all wounds and I'm hoping blogging will help too. It certainly can't hurt and it will also be a wonderful way to document this next phase of my life. Because I really can't imagine what it's going to be like. Anchors aweigh, my friends, anchors aweigh!