I'm feeling better these days. I'm still not quite the old Brenda, but I can see her at the end of the tunnel and it's a good feeling. I've missed her.
I've taken an interest in my interests again. I'm hanging out with friends, going to listen to good, live music and doing projects around my condo. I actually shower on weekends and sometimes even leave my condo. It feels good. (And I'm sure Omni appreciates the showering part)
But there's a nagging thought in the back of my head. It's coming up on a year. How will I handle it? I'm nervous. It's taken me 10 months to get to this point. I don't want to have a "relapse" or go 'backwards". I know that doing so will in no way honor my Pop or validate that I loved him and miss him everyday. But nonetheless, an anniversary is an anniversary. I'm not sure how I'll feel or what will happen. This whole grieving process is really weird. Some days when it's a special day and I'm expecting to feel lousy, I'm fine and then on normal days that have no meaning whatsoever, I'm a wreck.
So...I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best. Wish me luck.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Thanksgiving 2009
I thought it would be good for me to do something different for Thanksgiving this year. So I went to Springhill, La to visit my Aunt Page and Uncle Son. Uncle Son is Pop's brother. They were really close and traveled a lot together once they both retired.
We had a nice Thanksgiving - drove over to West Monroe to my cousin Patsy's house for the big meal, which was lovely and delicious. On Friday, my Uncle and I first drove to Camden, Arkansas to see my Grandma Harrison's house at 806 Maple St. I recognized it right off even though I hadn't been there in probably over 20 years, maybe more. The house looked pretty good although the neighborhood has declined quite a bit.
We then went over to the Memorial Park cemetery so I could see the graves of my Grandma and Grandpa. My Uncle Hamp and Aunt Sissy are buried there too. It was important for me to be able to document how to get there and now I have done that. I feel like someone needs to know how to get to the family gravesites.
After that we drove 45 miles north to go to Leola, Arkansas where my Pop was born. He was the only one born there, the other 4 kids were born in Camden. Leola is a little bitty town with a population of 515!! I took a picture of the post office and the only store. The store's owner was very nice and knowledgable and said that there were still some Harrisons there. I asked him what could the population have been in 1919, if it's only 515 in 2009?! He said the town actually used to be bigger, with a railroad and a saw mill, but times change...
It was so nice of my Uncle to indulge me with this side trip. I think he had a really nice time too. He said he hadn't been to Camden in years and had never been to Leola. So it was heartwarming for both of us.
Family is so important. And now I'm even more informed than ever.
We had a nice Thanksgiving - drove over to West Monroe to my cousin Patsy's house for the big meal, which was lovely and delicious. On Friday, my Uncle and I first drove to Camden, Arkansas to see my Grandma Harrison's house at 806 Maple St. I recognized it right off even though I hadn't been there in probably over 20 years, maybe more. The house looked pretty good although the neighborhood has declined quite a bit.
We then went over to the Memorial Park cemetery so I could see the graves of my Grandma and Grandpa. My Uncle Hamp and Aunt Sissy are buried there too. It was important for me to be able to document how to get there and now I have done that. I feel like someone needs to know how to get to the family gravesites.
After that we drove 45 miles north to go to Leola, Arkansas where my Pop was born. He was the only one born there, the other 4 kids were born in Camden. Leola is a little bitty town with a population of 515!! I took a picture of the post office and the only store. The store's owner was very nice and knowledgable and said that there were still some Harrisons there. I asked him what could the population have been in 1919, if it's only 515 in 2009?! He said the town actually used to be bigger, with a railroad and a saw mill, but times change...
It was so nice of my Uncle to indulge me with this side trip. I think he had a really nice time too. He said he hadn't been to Camden in years and had never been to Leola. So it was heartwarming for both of us.
Family is so important. And now I'm even more informed than ever.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Third Blow - But Different
I got some more bad news this past Tuesday night.
Rohini Patel called to tell me that her husband Mukesh had passed away. I was shocked. I just saw them and their son, Keyur, the Sunday of Labor Day weekend. They had me and 2 other ex-employees (and 1 spouse) over to their condo on Coquina Key for a get-together with tons of delicious indian food, beer, wine, etc. Oh we all had a lovely evening.
I worked for Rohini and Mukesh for 11 years from about 1984 to 1995. Most of that time was spent working at their Monocle Bookshop at the Tampa International Airport but I also helped out in their other stores over the years. They were absolutely great to work for and were nothing but wonderful to me. Oh I earned every penny, believe me, but it's great to work for someone who won't ever ask you to do anything they wouldn't do themselves.
Anyway, over the years we'd lost touch and especially once I moved to Atlanta. When Pop was alive I drove back and forth to Tampa, it was only after he passed that I started flying instead. On my very first flight, I stopped in the Monocle Bookshop and immediately could tell Rohini still owned it. I left a short note with my number and she called right away. It was like no time had passed at all. We decided it had been way too long and that's when we talked about getting together over the Labor Day weekend.
Mukesh had been sick with diabetes but they had it under control and he looked and acted fine to me that night. If there was one word I'd use to describe him all the years I knew him, it would be "jolly". And he was that night too. We all reminisced about the years we worked together - the successes, the failures...and we laughed and laughed too. Mukesh retired for the evening while the party was still going on saying he was just tired, but Rohini thinks he must have had a heart attack that night after we left. When he woke up the next morning not feeling well, she took him to the hospital, but he just never recovered. He was only 55.
I know that owning your own businesses comes with a lot of responsibilities but it also allows for a little more flexibility - once you get them all fully staffed like they had. And while Rohini and Mukesh had a very nice life filled with family, friends and fun, I can't help thinking the poor man never got to retire and fully enjoy the fruits of his labor.
This grief thing is weird - there's really no explaining it. While the death of my Pop has of course saddened me, Jeanette's Dad's passing left me feeling depressed - probably because her Dad died so recently after mine. However, Mukesh's passing has had an opposite effect on me. He died at such a young age that it's sort of lit a fire under my ass. Yes I'll always be sad and miss my Pop and there will be an empty space in my heart, but now I feel like there is no time to be sitting around feeling depressed. I know these roller coaster feelings are part of the whole grieving process. I also know that I need to do what I feel like doing because that's part of working through this, but Mukesh's death has been a wake-up call to me in a way.
Life is short, our time here is unknown. We need to strike a balance between taking care of ourselves, living through all our emotions and getting out there and living.
Rohini Patel called to tell me that her husband Mukesh had passed away. I was shocked. I just saw them and their son, Keyur, the Sunday of Labor Day weekend. They had me and 2 other ex-employees (and 1 spouse) over to their condo on Coquina Key for a get-together with tons of delicious indian food, beer, wine, etc. Oh we all had a lovely evening.
I worked for Rohini and Mukesh for 11 years from about 1984 to 1995. Most of that time was spent working at their Monocle Bookshop at the Tampa International Airport but I also helped out in their other stores over the years. They were absolutely great to work for and were nothing but wonderful to me. Oh I earned every penny, believe me, but it's great to work for someone who won't ever ask you to do anything they wouldn't do themselves.
Anyway, over the years we'd lost touch and especially once I moved to Atlanta. When Pop was alive I drove back and forth to Tampa, it was only after he passed that I started flying instead. On my very first flight, I stopped in the Monocle Bookshop and immediately could tell Rohini still owned it. I left a short note with my number and she called right away. It was like no time had passed at all. We decided it had been way too long and that's when we talked about getting together over the Labor Day weekend.
Mukesh had been sick with diabetes but they had it under control and he looked and acted fine to me that night. If there was one word I'd use to describe him all the years I knew him, it would be "jolly". And he was that night too. We all reminisced about the years we worked together - the successes, the failures...and we laughed and laughed too. Mukesh retired for the evening while the party was still going on saying he was just tired, but Rohini thinks he must have had a heart attack that night after we left. When he woke up the next morning not feeling well, she took him to the hospital, but he just never recovered. He was only 55.
I know that owning your own businesses comes with a lot of responsibilities but it also allows for a little more flexibility - once you get them all fully staffed like they had. And while Rohini and Mukesh had a very nice life filled with family, friends and fun, I can't help thinking the poor man never got to retire and fully enjoy the fruits of his labor.
This grief thing is weird - there's really no explaining it. While the death of my Pop has of course saddened me, Jeanette's Dad's passing left me feeling depressed - probably because her Dad died so recently after mine. However, Mukesh's passing has had an opposite effect on me. He died at such a young age that it's sort of lit a fire under my ass. Yes I'll always be sad and miss my Pop and there will be an empty space in my heart, but now I feel like there is no time to be sitting around feeling depressed. I know these roller coaster feelings are part of the whole grieving process. I also know that I need to do what I feel like doing because that's part of working through this, but Mukesh's death has been a wake-up call to me in a way.
Life is short, our time here is unknown. We need to strike a balance between taking care of ourselves, living through all our emotions and getting out there and living.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Snap Out of It!
I am not used to feeling like this. Sad, listless, slow moving, everything is an effort....
I guess this is normal though...but I'm tired of it already.
Someone mentioned to me yesterday that I sound depressed. I guess maybe I am a little. At first I said no no....but then I started thinking about it. See, to me depressed means laying around all the time or sleeping all the time or crying, etc. I'm not doing any of that. But I have lost interest in a lot of my normal things, so...maybe they hit it on the head.
I am staying home a lot - I mentioned that earlier - that I'm becoming hermit-like. I guess it's good I didn't quit my job b/c obviously that's the only thing getting me out of house... HA!
I also don't seem to have the network of friends I used to. And I know for many many years I went out and did things on my own but I am certainly not up to that these days. It seems like my friends here are traveling a lot and are out of town on the weekends and I also admit I'm probably not the ray of sunshine to be around that I used to be. So I can't say I blame them.
All of this will pass though. I just have to get through it and there really isn't anything else to do BUT that. Just push push push through it until I get to the other side.
I guess this is normal though...but I'm tired of it already.
Someone mentioned to me yesterday that I sound depressed. I guess maybe I am a little. At first I said no no....but then I started thinking about it. See, to me depressed means laying around all the time or sleeping all the time or crying, etc. I'm not doing any of that. But I have lost interest in a lot of my normal things, so...maybe they hit it on the head.
I am staying home a lot - I mentioned that earlier - that I'm becoming hermit-like. I guess it's good I didn't quit my job b/c obviously that's the only thing getting me out of house... HA!
I also don't seem to have the network of friends I used to. And I know for many many years I went out and did things on my own but I am certainly not up to that these days. It seems like my friends here are traveling a lot and are out of town on the weekends and I also admit I'm probably not the ray of sunshine to be around that I used to be. So I can't say I blame them.
All of this will pass though. I just have to get through it and there really isn't anything else to do BUT that. Just push push push through it until I get to the other side.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Attitude
I'm trying to be patient with people, (although I feel like at this time in my life it should be the other way around) but I had a hard time with it this week.
I know that none of us can completely understand what anyone else is going through. But the "until you've walked a mile in their shoes" philosophy has gone by the wayside it seems.
Work was tough this week. I definitely got the cold shoulder at the beginning of the week for being out for 4 days. I worked extra when I found out I was going to be out and tied up all my projects with a pretty little bow as best I could as well as used the 2 remaining days I had for 2009 and borrowed 2 from 2010. I didn't just take "free days". But when I got back there were comments about how I'd just been out for 4 days, etc. I commented back that for 2 of those days I'd have rather been at work. That got a strange look. People just don't get it. And I guess I should stop expecting them to. But they were acting as though I'd been gone for 2 weeks on a lovely Caribbean cruise instead of attending a 2nd major funeral in 6 months. Do people not understand what kind of emotional toil that takes on a person? These weren't fun days off. They were hard. And with lingering effects.
But since I don't want to be a hypocrite, I don't know what these people are going through either, which is why I'm trying to be patient with them.
I have just one last question: Could we all just be kinder to each other?
I know that none of us can completely understand what anyone else is going through. But the "until you've walked a mile in their shoes" philosophy has gone by the wayside it seems.
Work was tough this week. I definitely got the cold shoulder at the beginning of the week for being out for 4 days. I worked extra when I found out I was going to be out and tied up all my projects with a pretty little bow as best I could as well as used the 2 remaining days I had for 2009 and borrowed 2 from 2010. I didn't just take "free days". But when I got back there were comments about how I'd just been out for 4 days, etc. I commented back that for 2 of those days I'd have rather been at work. That got a strange look. People just don't get it. And I guess I should stop expecting them to. But they were acting as though I'd been gone for 2 weeks on a lovely Caribbean cruise instead of attending a 2nd major funeral in 6 months. Do people not understand what kind of emotional toil that takes on a person? These weren't fun days off. They were hard. And with lingering effects.
But since I don't want to be a hypocrite, I don't know what these people are going through either, which is why I'm trying to be patient with them.
I have just one last question: Could we all just be kinder to each other?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Fun NOT
Why is the word "fun" in funeral? Who's bright idea was that?
Jeanette's Dad's funeral was last Wednesday, September 30th. Pop's was March 30th. That's right - exactly 6 months to the day. I didn't realize it until I was getting dressed and putting on the exact same outfit. I was thinking how it's a shame I'll probably end up hating it despite how nice it is and how it had been 6 months since I'd worn it, and then it hit me it had been exactly 6 months. I literally felt my shoulders slump and the tears took on a mind of their own. I was a mess. When I got to Louise's house, I was in way worse shape than her and Jeanette.
That was another tough day. This year's had way too many for my liking. It turned out that Jeanette's Dad's cemetery is right across the street from where my Mom and Pop are buried. I hadn't seen Pop's headstone yet - it was government issued and they take longer and it just recently got finished. I figured well, I'm a mess already, how much worse could it get. So I stopped by there after the graveside service. I can't really explain how it feels to be looking at both of your parents' headstones, but I didn't care for it.
And ever since then I've got that "paralyzed" feeling again. Completely overwhelmed with everything there is to do, yet "frozen" it seems and not tackling any of it. Which makes me feel even more overwhelmed. It all makes sense - my emotions and feelings are raw again. They were healing under a bandaid but it's been ripped off and they're exposed again.
It's everything I can do to get through the day at work. Concentration is forced if there at all, the "life is too short" feeling is back as well as the "none of this really matters anyway". I am absolutely wiped out when I finally get home and don't feel like tackling two households' worth of mail, bills, paperwork, finances, etc. And so it's piling up...
I just want to collapse on the couch and call in PAUSE. Somebody please pass me my cell phone.
Jeanette's Dad's funeral was last Wednesday, September 30th. Pop's was March 30th. That's right - exactly 6 months to the day. I didn't realize it until I was getting dressed and putting on the exact same outfit. I was thinking how it's a shame I'll probably end up hating it despite how nice it is and how it had been 6 months since I'd worn it, and then it hit me it had been exactly 6 months. I literally felt my shoulders slump and the tears took on a mind of their own. I was a mess. When I got to Louise's house, I was in way worse shape than her and Jeanette.
That was another tough day. This year's had way too many for my liking. It turned out that Jeanette's Dad's cemetery is right across the street from where my Mom and Pop are buried. I hadn't seen Pop's headstone yet - it was government issued and they take longer and it just recently got finished. I figured well, I'm a mess already, how much worse could it get. So I stopped by there after the graveside service. I can't really explain how it feels to be looking at both of your parents' headstones, but I didn't care for it.
And ever since then I've got that "paralyzed" feeling again. Completely overwhelmed with everything there is to do, yet "frozen" it seems and not tackling any of it. Which makes me feel even more overwhelmed. It all makes sense - my emotions and feelings are raw again. They were healing under a bandaid but it's been ripped off and they're exposed again.
It's everything I can do to get through the day at work. Concentration is forced if there at all, the "life is too short" feeling is back as well as the "none of this really matters anyway". I am absolutely wiped out when I finally get home and don't feel like tackling two households' worth of mail, bills, paperwork, finances, etc. And so it's piling up...
I just want to collapse on the couch and call in PAUSE. Somebody please pass me my cell phone.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Hermit
I'm becoming somewhat of a hermit lately.
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Well, I want to go somewhere other than here...but I don't really know where. It's like I'm restless at the same time I'm holing up in my condo.
I have cut out all extra curricular activities. I don't go to church anymore on Sundays or Wednesday nights. I quit my summer choir when there was only 4 weeks left. And believe me, I wouldn't go to work if I didn't have to. It's not that I'm mad at God or so depressed that I can't get out of bed...it's nothing like that. I'm just TIRED. Deep down, emotionally, mentally, physically TIRED. I just don't want to run around anymore than I have to. I just want to sit still. Stop moving. Stop thinking. Just sit and BE.
Life should have a PAUSE button. Everyone else could keep going but a person could hit PAUSE on their own life and just stop and catch up - catch their breath. How wonderful would that be?
Jeanette has a saying: "Sometimes I like to sit and think and sometimes I just sit".
I've always liked that saying. And right now I just want to sit.
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Well, I want to go somewhere other than here...but I don't really know where. It's like I'm restless at the same time I'm holing up in my condo.
I have cut out all extra curricular activities. I don't go to church anymore on Sundays or Wednesday nights. I quit my summer choir when there was only 4 weeks left. And believe me, I wouldn't go to work if I didn't have to. It's not that I'm mad at God or so depressed that I can't get out of bed...it's nothing like that. I'm just TIRED. Deep down, emotionally, mentally, physically TIRED. I just don't want to run around anymore than I have to. I just want to sit still. Stop moving. Stop thinking. Just sit and BE.
Life should have a PAUSE button. Everyone else could keep going but a person could hit PAUSE on their own life and just stop and catch up - catch their breath. How wonderful would that be?
Jeanette has a saying: "Sometimes I like to sit and think and sometimes I just sit".
I've always liked that saying. And right now I just want to sit.
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